Chapter 5

Seventy-two seconds.

I know what you are thinking, ‘That’s an odd way to start a chapter, it doesn’t make any sense at all’

I disagree, it makes perfect sense, since this is novel about my life, and this happened just today…

Joe walked up the stairs, wearing nothing but a towel. You see, Joe just had a shower, and since there wasn’t anyone home, he figured ‘Why not towel it to my room, air dry a little’. The cold air made him instantly regret this decision. Getting to his room was only half the battle. Seeing his clothes sitting there, all cold, made him wish the dryer wasn’t full of wet clothes.

‘Options..’ he thought ‘What are my options.. 1)Cold clothes on my junk 2) I COULD sit on the clothes for a while, but I will still be cold now. 3) PJ’s back on, they can’t be that cold yet.. 4) I could.. Oh, My, God. Perfect.’

So up the stairs he went, wearing nothing but a towel, his underwear in his left hand. His right hand free to hold the towel as he marched triumphantly into the kitchen.

He strutted in that towel right over to the microwave and tossed his drawers directly into the mouth of the hungry beast. He microwaved those boxers for a solid seventy-two seconds.

Opening the microwave proved a simple task, leading to Joe standing in the kitchen, less than seventy-four seconds after starting, wearing his newly radiated garments.

‘This,” Joe thought, “Can’t be good for my thing thing..”

Chapter 4

Oh yes, that door, it was indeed the most important part of the room. It held it together.

Joe often opened that door, figuratively speaking of course, he didn’t literally rip it open, that would be silly, but he would often turn the knob. Funny thing about turning the knob on most doors, they tend to retract the plunger, allowing the door to become ajar. Funny.

Slightly less often was when Joe closed the door, in an equally but less infuriatingly figurative sense. Ah yes, I would say that a ratio of door open to door closed would be at least a 1.1:1. Not an all out crazy number that would be noticeable, by say, most people, but something Joe was quite aware of.

Like I said, it was the most important part of the room, and much time was spent contemplating the mere existence of such an item. This door. Who decided that it needed to even go up in the first place? I mean, sure, privacy is important to some people, but if you are going to go and hang a door like this monstrosity, you should go all out and get a cool looking door. Alas, the door Joe was often left contemplating was little more than ‘wood attached to wall’.

One function the door did accomplish, swimmingly for that matter, was protecting the others in the area from the periods of time, which were often, that Joe decided pants were the problem, and ‘no pants’ was the solution.

I find myself often recalling the general displeasure that I have associated with those fabric sleeves made for my legs. I mean, do you have a problem with my legs? Why should I hide them? Yea, I know they get all weird when they cramp up and they do that little muscle collapse thing, but really, you don’t need to look then do you?

But they couldn’t look away, clearly, so a door was erected in a spot that seemed singularly designed for the purpose. The Door Jam.

Quickly recalling a former room mate, the term ‘door jam’ might have caused some confusion. Never mind that now..

Back to the door..

Behind the door, well, behind when it was shut, I suppose ‘next to’ while it was open, there were many things. Mainly a bed, a chair, this laptop, the desk that was there to support said laptop, and a TV.

The TV is an interesting artifact, with a rich history, this will be the subject of a later chapter. Maybe Chapter 5, maybe Chapter 8, but definitely not Chapter 10.

Stolen Review From Amazon, READ ALL THE WAY!

Customer Review

3,776 of 3,821 people found the following review helpful: The Secret saved my life!, December 4, 2007 By  Ari Brouillette Please allow me to share with you how “The Secret” changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of “The Secret” is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don’t want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing. At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life. My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes. Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I’ve never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of “The Secret”. Normally I wouldn’t have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn’t have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read. The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the “Law of Attraction” in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn’t exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 “The Secret to Relationships” that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point. The next day in the exercise yard I carried “The Secret” with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I’m not sure that everybody’s life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I’m very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.

An Explanation Of The Last 3 Posts..

For those of you that don’t know I am writing an Autobiographical Novel. The last 3 posts are the first 3 chapters. The formatting is strange, yes, but the explanation to that is the fact I was too lazy to re type it and copied it straight from another editor. The next chapters will be going straight to the blog, and thus have more, erm, classic formatting.

MERCY!

Chapter 3

That door, oh mercy, that door… (To Be Continued In Chapter 4)